minstrel: New Piece

Stephen R. Melvin Rathflaed at hotmail.com
Sun Aug 1 21:30:05 PDT 2004

First off, my apologies - it should have been done a couple of months ago, but it's been a bit hectic.  Enjoy!


Rathflaed DuNoir
The Black Bard of Meridies, MSoB

TROY - The Storybook Version
by Rathflaed DuNoir
The Black Bard of Meridies, MsoB
mka: Stephen R. Melvin

    Oh see Paris. He is pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. The girls all think that he's quite a hunk. Oh see Helen. She is also very pretty, but not as pretty as Paris. She thinks that Paris is just dreamy. He thinks that she is pretty special too. In fact, he thinks that she is so special, that he decides to steal her from her husband, Menelaus. Menelaus is very mad. Mad, mad, mad. 
    Oh see the Greeks. They are sailing in 1,000 boats. Sail, Greeks, sail. Are they sailing on a trip around the world? No, they are not sailing on a trip around the world. Are they sailing to Styx music? No but some of them may be sailing to cross the River Styx. That's called foreshadowing and it's eerie. Eerie, eerie, eerie. 
    Oh see Achilles. The girls think that he is dreamy, too. Dreamy, dreamy, dreamy. He wants to be the first to land so he can get fame and glory. His mom told him that he would die if he went to Troy, but he went anyway. When he was a baby, she dipped him in the river Styx and made him almost invulnerable. Except for his Achilles heel which is his weak spot. How ironic. His weak spot has the same name he does. 
Achilles rushes ashore with his Myrmidions and slays all of the priests of Apollo's temple. The Trojans get really mad. Mad, mad, mad! They vow vengeance! Vow, Trojans, vow! When the rest of the Greeks get to the beaches, they set up camp. The next day Paris offers to fight a Greek champion to settle the whole thing. But when Menelaus comes forward, Paris wimps out. Wimpy, Paris, wimpy. 
    Oh see Hector. The girls think that he is cute, but not as cute as Achilles or Paris. He is Paris' brother and gives Paris a hard time about wimping out of the fight, so Paris agrees to fight Menelaus. Stupid, Paris, stupid. Menelaus is bigger, badder, and better than Paris. Paris almost gets killed, but Aphrodite whisks him away to safety. Whisk, goddess, whisk. Hector has to save him and is almost killed, but Ares disguises himself as a Trojan and comes to help him out. Clever, Ares, clever. Things go really good for the Trojans until Athena helps Diomedes wound Ares, and he has to take off. See Ares run. Run, Ares, run.
    Oh see Ajax. He is such a great warrior that they named a kitchen cleaner after him. I don't know what kitchen cleaner has to do with fighting, but I'm sure that it makes sense to the marketing people. Hector and Ajax duel, but they end up being good friends after the heralds call the battle on account of night. 
    See Achilles. He is sulking. Sulk, Achilles, sulk. He is upset with Menelaus who took Achilles' prizes after the first attack. He says that he's going to take his toys and go home. Sulk, Achilles, sulk. Patroclus asks if he can wear Achilles' armor and go out to play with the Trojans in it. Achilles says yes he can, so Patroclus puts on the armor and goes out to fight. Fight, fight, fight! Hector kills Patroclus but thinks that he has killed Achilles and takes the armor. He puts it on. Doesn't he look dashing? Dash, dash, dash! Now, more of the girls will think he's dreamy. Ooh, Hector, ooh!
    Oh see Achilles. He is mad. Mad, mad, mad! He is upset that his best friend Patroclus was slain. And he lost Achilles' best set of armor. Now Achilles' mom has to ask Hephastus to make more armor for him. Hephastus does and he wears it into battle. Now he looks groovy. Achilles mom tells him not to lose it this time and that makes him mad. Mad, mad, mad! (He sure gets mad a lot doesn't he?) Brood, Achilles, brood.
    Oh see the Greeks. They are frightened. Are they afraid of Hector? No, they are not afraid of Hector. Are they afraid of Poseidon? No, but he would be a good person to be afraid of. Especially for Odysseus. Are they afraid of Achilles? Yes, they are afraid of Achilles. He is so mad that he chases Hector around the city 3 times and then slays Hector. That makes Hector's father sad. Sad, sad, sad. Plus, Achilles takes Hector's body away to the Greek camp. There is much rejoicing over the defeat of Hector. There is feasting and dancing and drinking. Hector's dad sneaks into the Greek camp and asks for Hector's body back. He gets it and they go home. It looks like the battle is a stalemate.
    Oh see the Greeks. They are hammering and nailing and sawing. They are banging and cutting and carving. Are they building a treehouse? No, they are not building a treehouse? Are they building a boat? No, silly! They already have 1,000 boats - that's how they got here. They are building a giant rabbit - I mean a badger - I mean a horsey. The horsey will be big enough for some Greeks to fit inside and surprise the Trojans. Hooray! I love surprises! 
    Oh see the Greeks. They are leaving. Are they defeated? Are they running away? No, they are tricking the Trojans. Tricky, Greeks, tricky. Some of them are waiting for the Trojans to take the rabbit - I mean - horsey into the city. When the Trojans go to sleep, they will jump out and yell "Surprise!" just like the girl in the cake at that party...
    See the Trojans. They are looking at the horsey. Paris doesn't want to bring it inside, but everyone thinks he's a wimp and so the Trojans take it inside anyway. The Trojans think that the badger - I mean horsey - is a gift for Apollo and that the Greeks have left. The Trojans start to party. Drink, Trojans, drink! They party late into the night.
    Oh see the Greeks. They are quiet. Quiet, quiet, quiet. They are waiting for the Trojans to go to sleep. When the Trojans do, they don't jump out of the horsey and yell, "Surprise!" like they are supposed to. Instead, they sneak over to the door and let their friends in. Silly Trojans! They weren't expecting that. They should have read ahead! During the battle, Achilles is killed by a spear through his ankle. Poor Achilles. His mom did tell him what would happen, though. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Hopefully, Odysseus will remember that in the next book. That's more eerie foreshadowing. Eerie, eerie, eerie. Some of the Trojans get away but they're never heard from again. And the Greeks burned the city to the ground. Burn, Troy, burn.

The End

31 July 2004
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