minstrel: Whoops! Real New Piece

Stephen Melvin rathflaed at hotmail.com
Sun Aug 26 05:24:09 PDT 2001

I can't believe I did that!  Sorry to everyone, 1066 was released 2 years 
ago on "More!!!".  This is the new piece. Sheesh...


MacBeth - The Storybook Version
	By Rathflaed DuNoir
	The Black Bard of Meridies, MSoB
	mka: Stephen R. Melvin

1.1O see the witches.  They are laughing.  Cackle, cackle, cackle.  What are 
they doing?  They are going to see MacBeth after the battle. One of them 
sounds like a valleygirl.  She is not cackling.  She is giggling.  She is 
casting a spell to take them all home.  “Bad is rad and rad is bad, let’s 
fly from here and go back to our pad, totally!”  Spell, valleywitch, spell.
1.2O see King Duncan.  He is talking with his son Malcolm and a captain.  
The captain has just been wounded in battle.  Bleed, captain, bleed.  The 
king and the captain talk of the many great feats of MacBeth and Banquo on 
the battlefield.  They talk of heads on spikes and bathing in blood and 
direful thunders. Bleed, captain, bleed.
O look!  There is the Thane of Ross.  He tells king Duncan that the Thane of 
Cawdor started a war against King Duncan but they lost.  King Duncan is sad. 
  Sad, sad, sad.  But then Ross tells him that Cawdor lost and that the King 
of Sweden paid them ten thousand dollars.
1.3O see the witches.  They are spelling again.  They have gotten very good 
at it, but of course they can never get more than a bee in spelling. Are 
they spelling words? No, they are not spelling words. Are they spelling 
important acronyms like NASA, IBM, DOS and COMNAVTHRDFLT?  No they are 
spelling magic. Oooh!  They tell MacBeth that he will be a king and they 
tell Banquo that his sons will be kings.  They also tell MacBeth that he 
will be the Thane of Car Door.  Or Cawdor.  Or whatever.  They vanish and 
Ross comes to tell MacBeth that the King has made him the Thane Cawdor.  Of 
course no one tells him what a Thane is, so he’ll have to figure it out for 
1.5O see Lady MacBeth.  She is reading.  Is she reading a comic book? No, 
she is not reading a comic book.  Is she reading the Wall Street Journal? 
No, she is not reading the Wall Street Journal.  Is she reading a steamy 
romance novel with kissing and passion and mushy stuff? Kind of.  She is 
reading a love letter from her lord.  He is telling her about the witches 
and giving her all sorts of mushy compliments.  Let’s move on.  MacBeth 
shows up and she tells him that she will help him kill King Duncan.  
Naughty, Lady MacBeth! Naughty, naughty, naughty!
1.6O see the king.  He is tired. Tired, tired, tired.  He has been riding 
all day and MacBeth beat him to MacBeth’s house.  He tells Lady MacBeth that 
he and his people will be sleeping over.
1.7See MacBeth and Lady MacBeth.  They are arguing.  Argue, argue, argue.  
Are they arguing about which movie to see?  No, they are not arguing about 
which movie to see. Are they arguing about Lady MacBeth’s visit with the 
seven choir boys, the clown and bearded lady from the circus and the riding 
gear merchant?  No.  Are they arguing about the transpolitical ramifications 
of the socioeconomic status attributed to the early ruling class of Scotland 
in the early eleventh century?  Yes – they are plotting to kill the king.  
Plot, MacBeths, plot.
2.1Now MacBeth is talking with Banquo and Fleance.  When Banquo and Fleance 
leave, he starts rambling about floating daggers and mortality.  Brood, 
MacBeth, brood.
2.2/2.3O see Lord and Lady MacBeth.  Their hands are red.  Have they been 
finger painting?  Have they been dyeing Easter Eggs?  No, they have been 
stabbing the king and making it look like his servants did it.  Poor king.  
Poor servants. MacBeth will use the way they look to kill them and make 
himself look innocent.  That’s very bad.  Bad, bad, bad.
King Duncan’s sons become very frightened.  They flee so that they are not 
killed as well, but that makes people think that they killed their father.  
And MacBeth becomes king at a great ceremony at Scone where they have 
feasting and dancing and bagpipers blowing.  Blow, pipers, blow.
3.1MacBeth gets very scared when he becomes king that he will lose it, so he 
tries to have Banquo and Fleance murdered, but Fleance gets away.  Run, 
Fleance, run.
3.4At the banquet Banquo’s ghost show’s up and makes fun of MacBeth.  “Boo!  
Awoo!”, he says.  No one else can see him and they think that MacBeth might 
be a little loopy.  Loopy, loopy, loopy.  So MacBeth goes to talk to the 
witches again.
3.5/4.1O see the witches.  They are cooking and talking with their Goddess 
Hecate.  Are they cooking dinner? No, they are not cooking dinner. Are they 
making sandwiches?  No, silly!  They would have to be at the beach or on the 
play ground to make sand-witches!  Silly, silly, silly!  They are cooking 
fingers and blood and newt’s eyes and toad juice. Yummy!  They are making 
just desserts!
MacBeth asks them about the future.  They show him spirits that tell him he 
can’t be killed by a man born of woman and that he will be safe until the 
forest moves to his castle.  MacBeth feels very relieved.  Who ever heard of 
a forest walking to a Castle?  That’s silly!  After he finds this out Hecate 
and the witches leave and Lennox comes to tell him that MacDuff has fled to 
England.  Sneaky, MacDuff! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky! MacBeth thinks that 
MacDuff has gone to England to plot against him.
4.2Poor MacDuff. Poor MacDuff’s family.  King MacBeth goes to MacDuff’s 
castle and has them all slain.  Killed.  Murdered, even!  Bloody, MacBeth, 
4.3O see MacDuff and Malcolm. MacDuff is trying to convince Malcolm that he 
should come back and be king, but Malcolm doesn’t think he’s good enough.  
Pity, pity, pity.  Sounds like Malcolm needs some good emotional counseling. 
  Or a night with the Doublemint twins.  Snap out of it Malcolm!
He does and agrees to help kick MacBeth out.  Ross shows up and tells 
MacDuff that MacBeth killed MacDuff’s family. Poor MacDuff. Poor MacDuff’s 
family. Poor MacBeth. MacDuff swears to kill MacBeth!
5.1O see Lady MacBeth.  She is spooky. Spooky, spooky, spooky.  She is 
sleepwalking.  She is talking about spot.  See spot.  See spot get out.  
Out, damned spot, out!  See her babble.
5.3O see MacBeth.  He is loopy. Loopy, loopy, loopy.  He is babbling about 
what the witches’ apparitions told him.
5.4Malcolm’s army decides to be sneaky. Sneaky, Malcolm, sneaky.  They each 
take a branch from the forest and use it to hide their numbers.  I guess 
they are hoping that MacBeth’s army won’t notice a few thousand trees 
advancing on his castle.
5.5O see Lady MacBeth.  She is squished.  She has jumps from the tower to 
escape her madness.  She caught a bad case of sudden deceleration syndrome. 
MacBeth hears that a few thousand trees are marching on his castle.  I guess 
his army noticed after all. Oh no!  That means that the witches prophecy 
might be coming true.  Worry, MacBeth, worry.
5.10O see MacBeth and MacDuff.  They are fighting.  Fight, fight, fight!  
Crash, bang, smash!  Why are they fighting?  If you don’t know by now, you 
should start reading the story over.  MacBeth tells MacDuff that he’s not 
scared because no man born of woman can kill him.  To heck with those stupid 
marching trees!  MacDuff tells MacBeth that he was not born, but that they 
had to cut him from his mommy’s tummy. Worry, MacBeth, worry.  Well, not for 
long.  MacDuff kills him.  Lay on, MacDuff, lay on!
5.11So Malcolm will be made king at Scone with a grand ceremony where there 
will be feasting and dancing and bagpipers blowing. Blow, pipers, blow.  And 
since this is a tragedy, they all died happily ever after.

20 Aug 2001

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