minstrel: Whoops! Real New Piece
Stephen Melvin
rathflaed at hotmail.com
Sun Aug 26 05:24:09 PDT 2001
I can't believe I did that! Sorry to everyone, 1066 was released 2 years
ago on "More!!!". This is the new piece. Sheesh...
Rathflaed
http://www,chivalry.com/blackbard/
MacBeth - The Storybook Version
By Rathflaed DuNoir
The Black Bard of Meridies, MSoB
mka: Stephen R. Melvin
1.1O see the witches. They are laughing. Cackle, cackle, cackle. What are
they doing? They are going to see MacBeth after the battle. One of them
sounds like a valleygirl. She is not cackling. She is giggling. She is
casting a spell to take them all home. “Bad is rad and rad is bad, let’s
fly from here and go back to our pad, totally!” Spell, valleywitch, spell.
1.2O see King Duncan. He is talking with his son Malcolm and a captain.
The captain has just been wounded in battle. Bleed, captain, bleed. The
king and the captain talk of the many great feats of MacBeth and Banquo on
the battlefield. They talk of heads on spikes and bathing in blood and
direful thunders. Bleed, captain, bleed.
O look! There is the Thane of Ross. He tells king Duncan that the Thane of
Cawdor started a war against King Duncan but they lost. King Duncan is sad.
Sad, sad, sad. But then Ross tells him that Cawdor lost and that the King
of Sweden paid them ten thousand dollars.
1.3O see the witches. They are spelling again. They have gotten very good
at it, but of course they can never get more than a bee in spelling. Are
they spelling words? No, they are not spelling words. Are they spelling
important acronyms like NASA, IBM, DOS and COMNAVTHRDFLT? No they are
spelling magic. Oooh! They tell MacBeth that he will be a king and they
tell Banquo that his sons will be kings. They also tell MacBeth that he
will be the Thane of Car Door. Or Cawdor. Or whatever. They vanish and
Ross comes to tell MacBeth that the King has made him the Thane Cawdor. Of
course no one tells him what a Thane is, so he’ll have to figure it out for
himself.
1.5O see Lady MacBeth. She is reading. Is she reading a comic book? No,
she is not reading a comic book. Is she reading the Wall Street Journal?
No, she is not reading the Wall Street Journal. Is she reading a steamy
romance novel with kissing and passion and mushy stuff? Kind of. She is
reading a love letter from her lord. He is telling her about the witches
and giving her all sorts of mushy compliments. Let’s move on. MacBeth
shows up and she tells him that she will help him kill King Duncan.
Naughty, Lady MacBeth! Naughty, naughty, naughty!
1.6O see the king. He is tired. Tired, tired, tired. He has been riding
all day and MacBeth beat him to MacBeth’s house. He tells Lady MacBeth that
he and his people will be sleeping over.
1.7See MacBeth and Lady MacBeth. They are arguing. Argue, argue, argue.
Are they arguing about which movie to see? No, they are not arguing about
which movie to see. Are they arguing about Lady MacBeth’s visit with the
seven choir boys, the clown and bearded lady from the circus and the riding
gear merchant? No. Are they arguing about the transpolitical ramifications
of the socioeconomic status attributed to the early ruling class of Scotland
in the early eleventh century? Yes – they are plotting to kill the king.
Plot, MacBeths, plot.
2.1Now MacBeth is talking with Banquo and Fleance. When Banquo and Fleance
leave, he starts rambling about floating daggers and mortality. Brood,
MacBeth, brood.
2.2/2.3O see Lord and Lady MacBeth. Their hands are red. Have they been
finger painting? Have they been dyeing Easter Eggs? No, they have been
stabbing the king and making it look like his servants did it. Poor king.
Poor servants. MacBeth will use the way they look to kill them and make
himself look innocent. That’s very bad. Bad, bad, bad.
King Duncan’s sons become very frightened. They flee so that they are not
killed as well, but that makes people think that they killed their father.
And MacBeth becomes king at a great ceremony at Scone where they have
feasting and dancing and bagpipers blowing. Blow, pipers, blow.
3.1MacBeth gets very scared when he becomes king that he will lose it, so he
tries to have Banquo and Fleance murdered, but Fleance gets away. Run,
Fleance, run.
3.4At the banquet Banquo’s ghost show’s up and makes fun of MacBeth. “Boo!
Awoo!”, he says. No one else can see him and they think that MacBeth might
be a little loopy. Loopy, loopy, loopy. So MacBeth goes to talk to the
witches again.
3.5/4.1O see the witches. They are cooking and talking with their Goddess
Hecate. Are they cooking dinner? No, they are not cooking dinner. Are they
making sandwiches? No, silly! They would have to be at the beach or on the
play ground to make sand-witches! Silly, silly, silly! They are cooking
fingers and blood and newt’s eyes and toad juice. Yummy! They are making
just desserts!
MacBeth asks them about the future. They show him spirits that tell him he
can’t be killed by a man born of woman and that he will be safe until the
forest moves to his castle. MacBeth feels very relieved. Who ever heard of
a forest walking to a Castle? That’s silly! After he finds this out Hecate
and the witches leave and Lennox comes to tell him that MacDuff has fled to
England. Sneaky, MacDuff! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky! MacBeth thinks that
MacDuff has gone to England to plot against him.
4.2Poor MacDuff. Poor MacDuff’s family. King MacBeth goes to MacDuff’s
castle and has them all slain. Killed. Murdered, even! Bloody, MacBeth,
bloody.
4.3O see MacDuff and Malcolm. MacDuff is trying to convince Malcolm that he
should come back and be king, but Malcolm doesn’t think he’s good enough.
Pity, pity, pity. Sounds like Malcolm needs some good emotional counseling.
Or a night with the Doublemint twins. Snap out of it Malcolm!
He does and agrees to help kick MacBeth out. Ross shows up and tells
MacDuff that MacBeth killed MacDuff’s family. Poor MacDuff. Poor MacDuff’s
family. Poor MacBeth. MacDuff swears to kill MacBeth!
5.1O see Lady MacBeth. She is spooky. Spooky, spooky, spooky. She is
sleepwalking. She is talking about spot. See spot. See spot get out.
Out, damned spot, out! See her babble.
5.3O see MacBeth. He is loopy. Loopy, loopy, loopy. He is babbling about
what the witches’ apparitions told him.
5.4Malcolm’s army decides to be sneaky. Sneaky, Malcolm, sneaky. They each
take a branch from the forest and use it to hide their numbers. I guess
they are hoping that MacBeth’s army won’t notice a few thousand trees
advancing on his castle.
5.5O see Lady MacBeth. She is squished. She has jumps from the tower to
escape her madness. She caught a bad case of sudden deceleration syndrome.
MacBeth hears that a few thousand trees are marching on his castle. I guess
his army noticed after all. Oh no! That means that the witches prophecy
might be coming true. Worry, MacBeth, worry.
5.10O see MacBeth and MacDuff. They are fighting. Fight, fight, fight!
Crash, bang, smash! Why are they fighting? If you don’t know by now, you
should start reading the story over. MacBeth tells MacDuff that he’s not
scared because no man born of woman can kill him. To heck with those stupid
marching trees! MacDuff tells MacBeth that he was not born, but that they
had to cut him from his mommy’s tummy. Worry, MacBeth, worry. Well, not for
long. MacDuff kills him. Lay on, MacDuff, lay on!
5.11So Malcolm will be made king at Scone with a grand ceremony where there
will be feasting and dancing and bagpipers blowing. Blow, pipers, blow. And
since this is a tragedy, they all died happily ever after.
THE END
20 Aug 2001
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