minstrel: the funniest thing I have seen all week... (fwd)

Shane B. CyberGaddabout shaneb at ij.net
Sat Apr 28 11:12:58 PDT 2001

Here is the ORIGINAL website from the Routiers in Australia!  It is MUCH 
easier to read. :)




At 01:29 AM 4/28/01 -0500, Corrie Bergeron wrote:

>---------- Forwarded message ----------
>Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 19:55:15 -0400
>Subject: the funniest thing I have seen all week...
>I don't know the origin, it was passed to me as you see
>Hi, there! Master Yosef
>Alaric of the Baliset sent this to me...thought you all
>might enjoy!
>An SCA History of the Entire Known World
>by Sir Batshit ap Llewellyn FitzDogroot of Frontbottom
>translated from the Forsooth
>October 29th, 4004 BC, 9.00am   Creation of the universe.
>Fifteen nanoseconds later   Creation of the first Lycra.
>Early Periods.   Nothing happened at this time
>The Ancient Period (400 BC to 300 AD)   There were a few
>Romans and some
>Samurai, but not much else.
>The Dark and Barbarous Ages (300 AD to 1200 AD) This was a
>period. Everyone wore furs and bikinis made of wolfskins and
>mail. No
>was ever worn apart from helmets with horns on them. The guy
>with the
>biggest horns on his helmet was the chief. Really powerful
>chiefs had
>horns, like whole moose antlers on their helmets, and they
>had to get
>other guys to follow them around to help hold their heads
>up. You had to
>have horns on your helmet to let other people know you were
>no-one could speak in this period, though they could make
>The main economic activity was breaking things and the main
>The only exceptions to these rules were the Vikings. They
>were more like
>medieval people, except they hadn't learned to wear Lycra
>yet. They
>speak forsooth though, and were quite courteous. Famous
>this period include Conan the Barbarian, Conan the
>Destroyer, Conan the
>Conqueror and Hagar the Horrible. Irongron Skullsplitter may
>have lived
>this period, but he is more likely to have been a myth. His
>Blood-drinker is definitely a myth - just ask Steve Hand.
>The Middle Ages (1200 AD to the Present Day). This period
>began when
>unknown genius discovered how to make tights  out  of Lycra.
>The whole
>human civilisation was transformed almost overnight by this
>discovery, a
>dawn of the human spirit broke on the horizon of   barbarism
>and a great
>renaissance of discovery and wild  invention began.
>Following hot on the heels of the discovery of Lycra tights
>came the
>rattan cane swords. These were very fairly primitive
>instruments, until
>Rabbitfart von Backbosom discovered silver duct tape, which
>rattan swords look much more shiny and clean. More
>discoveries followed
>rapid succession, rubber chicken heads to adorn knightly
>helms (1253
>ugg  boots (1301 AD), hot pink crushed velvet for robes
>(1324 AD) and,
>finally, plastic pickle barrels for making armour out of
>(1350 AD).
>With the technological advent of plastic pickle-barrel
>armour, the age
>chivalry dawned and has continued ever since. Plastic
>armour and, to a
>lesser extent carpet armour, transformed the fighting field
>in the same
>lycra transformed the feast hall. Now everybody could be
>chivalrous to
>everybody else. Every one was everyone else's lord or lady,
>the rules of logic, and all peasants promptly disappeared.
>These civilising inventions soon transformed the political
>system. The
>primitive tribal structure of guys with big horns on their
>helmets was
>replaced by a new and much more shiny medieval system. To
>express it
>all belted fighters of a given kingdom/principate or
>autonomous ducal or
>sub-ducal area, given that their armour and other
>body-attached equipment had been assessed and deemed worthy
>by the
>committees and sub-committees of the   Marshals-in-Chief and
>Marshals-in-not-so-Chief, and that they had signed the 72
>page waiver
>documents in the still steaming blood of their first born
>child, could
>battle with shiny duct-tape covered rattan (of approved
>diameter) for
>honour of their lady/lord/same gendered significant
>co-equal lifestyle sharing but socia= lly uninhibited
>partner. The
>of this chivalrous and courteous combat was to hit the
>living bejesus
>out of
>his/her/their most esteemed and honoured opponent, but not
>to touch the
>hands, groin, knees, lower legs, elbows, hipjoints,
>pancreas, endocrine
>system, coccyx or brain. When a round robin, elimination
>style, back to
>series of combats had been run in full rotation forty three
>times,  the
>remaining combatants were then to fight another one on one,
>elimination series, before casting lots with the jawbone of
>an ass to
>who was to observe the flight of passing birds and thus
>figure out who
>to fight the final seven score and fifty combats.
>The winner was declared king.
>The king, of course, then ruled with absolute power
>alongside his
>lady/lord/same gendered significant other/trans-gendered
>sharing but socially uninhibited partner, though he could
>not make any
>edicts, promulgations or articles which may (or may not)
>infringe in any
>the right of another man, woman, child, or multi-gendered
>to do anything they may have liked to do if they had a mind
>to act in
>way, nor could they stop anyone from being as Californian as
>they wanted
>They also only ruled for six months and then the whole
>process started
>over again. See, isn't that simple? It's small wonder
>everyone in the
>Ages was/is so happy.
>Conclusion   So, now you know all about the Middle Ages.
>Some may try
>tell you it wasn't like that at all, but to that I would
>reply 'Prove it
>wasn't.  After all, it might have been, and you can't trust
>historians say because they're just stuffy academics who
>spend all their
>time reading dumb books, instead of living their dreams like
>me. You
>have to
>live your dreams to understand the Middle Ages. And if we
>all close our
>really, really tight and wish really, really hard maybe we
>can believe
>history wasn't as it was, but as it should have been. Or as
>fans and trekkies from California thought it should have
>been anyway.
>maybe we can believe that elves exist. And dragons! And
>hobbits!! And
>I can have that pet unicorn I've always wanted! And maybe we
>can fly
>the aliens to Alpha Centauri on magic dolphins! And maybe
>...   oh dear,
>here they come again to hold me down and give me some more
>to sleep, time to sleep ....'
>   (Here the manuscript breaks off. Ed)
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