minstrel: the funniest thing I have seen all week... (fwd)

Corrie Bergeron corrie at itasca.net
Fri Apr 27 23:29:50 PDT 2001



---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 19:55:15 -0400
Subject: the funniest thing I have seen all week... 

I don't know the origin, it was passed to me as you see


THIS GEM CAME FROM THE THREE HILLS LIST---YOU WILL ENJOY
IT!!!!!!
===============================================
Hi, there! Master Yosef
Alaric of the Baliset sent this to me...thought you all
might enjoy!


An SCA History of the Entire Known World
by Sir Batshit ap Llewellyn FitzDogroot of Frontbottom
translated from the Forsooth


October 29th, 4004 BC, 9.00am   Creation of the universe.

Fifteen nanoseconds later   Creation of the first Lycra.

Early Periods.   Nothing happened at this time

The Ancient Period (400 BC to 300 AD)   There were a few
Romans and some

Samurai, but not much else.

The Dark and Barbarous Ages (300 AD to 1200 AD) This was a
very
uncourtly
period. Everyone wore furs and bikinis made of wolfskins and
mail. No
armour
was ever worn apart from helmets with horns on them. The guy
with the
biggest horns on his helmet was the chief. Really powerful
chiefs had
huge
horns, like whole moose antlers on their helmets, and they
had to get
two
other guys to follow them around to help hold their heads
up. You had to

have horns on your helmet to let other people know you were
chief,
because
no-one could speak in this period, though they could make
grunting
noises.
The main economic activity was breaking things and the main
past-time
was
pillaging.

The only exceptions to these rules were the Vikings. They
were more like

medieval people, except they hadn't learned to wear Lycra
yet. They
could
speak forsooth though, and were quite courteous. Famous
personalities
in
this period include Conan the Barbarian, Conan the
Destroyer, Conan the
Conqueror and Hagar the Horrible. Irongron Skullsplitter may
have lived
in
this period, but he is more likely to have been a myth. His
sword
Blood-drinker is definitely a myth - just ask Steve Hand.

The Middle Ages (1200 AD to the Present Day). This period
began when
some
unknown genius discovered how to make tights  out  of Lycra.
The whole
of
human civilisation was transformed almost overnight by this
discovery, a
new
dawn of the human spirit broke on the horizon of   barbarism
and a great

renaissance of discovery and wild  invention began.

Following hot on the heels of the discovery of Lycra tights
came the
first
rattan cane swords. These were very fairly primitive
instruments, until
Lord
Rabbitfart von Backbosom discovered silver duct tape, which
made
rattan swords look much more shiny and clean. More
discoveries followed
in
rapid succession, rubber chicken heads to adorn knightly
helms (1253
AD),
ugg  boots (1301 AD), hot pink crushed velvet for robes
(1324 AD) and,
finally, plastic pickle barrels for making armour out of
(1350 AD).

With the technological advent of plastic pickle-barrel
armour, the age
of
chivalry dawned and has continued ever since. Plastic
armour and, to a
lesser extent carpet armour, transformed the fighting field
in the same
way
lycra transformed the feast hall. Now everybody could be
chivalrous to
everybody else. Every one was everyone else's lord or lady,
regardless
of
the rules of logic, and all peasants promptly disappeared.

These civilising inventions soon transformed the political
system. The
primitive tribal structure of guys with big horns on their
helmets was
soon
replaced by a new and much more shiny medieval system. To
express it
simply,
all belted fighters of a given kingdom/principate or
autonomous ducal or

sub-ducal area, given that their armour and other
fighting-associated,
body-attached equipment had been assessed and deemed worthy
by the
seventeen
committees and sub-committees of the   Marshals-in-Chief and

sub-principiate
Marshals-in-not-so-Chief, and that they had signed the 72
page waiver
documents in the still steaming blood of their first born
child, could
do
battle with shiny duct-tape covered rattan (of approved
diameter) for
the
honour of their lady/lord/same gendered significant
other/trans-gendered

co-equal lifestyle sharing but socia= lly uninhibited
partner. The
object
of this chivalrous and courteous combat was to hit the
living bejesus
out of
his/her/their most esteemed and honoured opponent, but not
to touch the
hands, groin, knees, lower legs, elbows, hipjoints,
pancreas, endocrine
system, coccyx or brain. When a round robin, elimination
style, back to
back
series of combats had been run in full rotation forty three
times,  the
remaining combatants were then to fight another one on one,
all-in,
elimination series, before casting lots with the jawbone of
an ass to
see
who was to observe the flight of passing birds and thus
figure out who
was
to fight the final seven score and fifty combats.

The winner was declared king.

The king, of course, then ruled with absolute power
alongside his
lady/lord/same gendered significant other/trans-gendered
co-equal
lifestyle
sharing but socially uninhibited partner, though he could
not make any
laws,
edicts, promulgations or articles which may (or may not)
infringe in any
way
the right of another man, woman, child, or multi-gendered
elf-like
creature
to do anything they may have liked to do if they had a mind
to act in
that
way, nor could they stop anyone from being as Californian as
they wanted

They also only ruled for six months and then the whole
process started
all
over again. See, isn't that simple? It's small wonder
everyone in the
Middle
Ages was/is so happy.

Conclusion   So, now you know all about the Middle Ages.
Some may try
and
tell you it wasn't like that at all, but to that I would
reply 'Prove it

wasn't.  After all, it might have been, and you can't trust
what
historians say because they're just stuffy academics who
spend all their

time reading dumb books, instead of living their dreams like
me. You
have to
live your dreams to understand the Middle Ages. And if we
all close our
eyes
really, really tight and wish really, really hard maybe we
can believe
that
history wasn't as it was, but as it should have been. Or as
Science
Fiction
fans and trekkies from California thought it should have
been anyway.
And
maybe we can believe that elves exist. And dragons! And
hobbits!! And
maybe
I can have that pet unicorn I've always wanted! And maybe we
can fly
with
the aliens to Alpha Centauri on magic dolphins! And maybe
...   oh dear,

here they come again to hold me down and give me some more
injections.
Time
to sleep, time to sleep ....'

  (Here the manuscript breaks off. Ed)







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