minstrel: Fwd: [Trimaris] SUPER SQUIRE at Golf Warz!! (reposted with permission by the author)

[Wilhelm Frawenlop]

> From: "Shane B." <shaneb at hotmail.com>
> To: trimaris at trimaris.org
> Subject: [Trimaris] SUPER SQUIRE at Golf Warz!! (reposted with permission
by the author)
> Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 15:39:40 PST
> Message-ID: <19990316233941.21679.qmail at hotmail.com>
> 
> Super Squire at Gulf Wars.
> Chapter 1.
> The Time: Wednesday.
> The location: Somewhere in Lumberton Mississippi.
> 
> We find our hero mild manner programmer Jasper arriving at Gulf Wars.=20
> Jasper has just swerved out the way of swaying Scotsman. And just
nearly=20
> missed the trees in the center of the road. He leaves his car and gets=20
> ready to troll in.  Suddenly his super hearing picks up a cry for help.
> "help help help"
> Quick Jasper dashes into a phone booth. Quickly Sheriff Bob comes up.
> "What are you doing in the phone booth"
> Super Squire, "I changing clothes officer."
> Sheriff Bob, "come out of there. Who think you are!!"
> Super Squire, "I'm SUPER SQUIRE=85"
> Sheriff Bob, "yeah right"
> Super Squire, "Don't you see this red S on my belt."
> Sheriff Bob, "I give you a red S and Black I if you don't come out of=20
> that phone booth."
> 
> Later still,
> " Help help"
> Quickly Super Squire runs in, " Can I help you my lady?"
> In front of troll is the lovely Lady Golden Locks facing the EVIL
Lucky=20
> Lefty the Laurel. Lucky Lefty the Laurel is grinning evilly and
twisting=20
> his left hand around his hook.
> Lady Golden Locks, " This man has lost my registration and I do not
have=20
> cash on me. And too far to an ATM. And=85"
> Super Squire, " Here my lady is some cash for the event. Tomorrow you=20
> can pay me back in cash or write me a check"
> 
> The EVIL Lucky Lefty the Laurel sneering, " Ah Squire Jasper, are you=20
> trying to get your hooks into the new lady?"
> 
> Super Squire whispering in Lucky's ear," You would know about hooks. =20
> What were you using as bait? Free admission... Or something else..."
> 
> Lucky Lefty the Laurel loudly sneers, " Oh here is HER paperwork. It=20
> must had fallen under the table."
> 
> Lady Golden Locks proceeds to troll in to Gulf Wars. Neither Lady
Golden=20
> Locks or Super Squire hears the EVIL Lucky Lefty the Laurel mumble; "=20
> Curses foiled by that do gooder. Now let see Super Squire get in. This=20
> is just a small payment for all the times he foiled me. Especially THE=20
> other Time." With that small statement, the EVIL Lucky Lefty the
Laurel=20
> quickly palms a registration card. Then getting up and leaving the=20
> registration table the EVIL Lucky Lefty the Laurel snickers and rubs
his=20
> hook with his left hand. Then starts picking his nose with the hook as=20
> he leaves the barn in search of more mischief.
> 
> Lady Golden Locks, "thank you for that. You are so kind and generous,
I=20
> think I will kiss you."
> 
> And just as Lady Golden Locks ruby red lips are about to touch Super=20
> Squire's lips. He feels a tapping on his left shoulder. It is Sir
Smiley=20
> wearing his unusual knights chain with his initials inlaid in each
link=20
> and carrying a greatsword strapped to his back. " Sir Gofer the Beer's=20
> van is stuck in the mud. You have just volunteered. I take over from=20
> here"=20
> 
> Will Super Squire get the van unstuck? Will he get his kiss? Or is Sir=20
> Smiley an agent of the EVIL Mistress Polly Pelican?
> Tune in tomorrow for the next episode, " Kentucky Fried Newby " Or=20
> "There is Gold in them thar locks=85"
> Chapter 2.
> 
> The sun is about to go down at Gulf Wars on a beautiful Thursday. We=20
> find our hero Super Squire passing the main hall. When his super
hearing=20
> picks up on a fight with lots of squawking and screeching.
> " You scum," Crash crunch, "How dare you! " Slap. Crash POW Punch.
> 
> Looking around our hero as a body of a young man comes flying out of
the=20
> main hall's side door. The body bounces twice and skids face down to=20
> stop at Super Squire's shoes. It is wearing a blue double knit
polyester=20
> t-tunic with smiley face trim on the hem.
> 
> " Is that you, Ned? " asks Super Squire as a green felt Robin Hood hat=20
> with a white chicken feather floats on to the back of the body.
> 
> "Um ow um what? " slurs Ned the Newby.
> 
> "What happen? " asks Super Squire as a nickel-plated letter opener
with=20
> a clear plastic handle buries itself between Ned's legs.
> 
> "I don't know, I um I just ", Ned mumbled.
> 
> Super Squire throws himself to the ground as a score of vodka and 151=20
> shot bottles crash around Ned.
> 
> "Chicken um served=85", gasps Ned the Newby.
> 
> "You didn't break into the Pelican meeting? Did you? ", asks Super=20
> Squire as a red and white cardboard bucket sails out of the mail hall
to=20
> land on Ned's head. The bucket gives Ned a very strange looking hennen=20
> appearance.
> 
> "Why were um they anger umm", wonders Ned the Newby as Super Squire=20
> plucks the bucket off Ned's head.  And side steps two eaten chicken
legs=20
> which bounce off of Ned.
> 
> "Kentucky Fried Chick=85 Kentucky Fried PELICAN!!!?" yells Super Squire,
=
> "=20
> Ned what=85, why =85, who put you up to this?
> 
> Rolling over and trying to make sure all his body parts are attached,
"=20
> Some tall blond guy in a kilt and green belt told me to take it into
the=20
> meeting and =85"
> 
> " And what? " asks Super Squire as Ned lists to left and sinks back
down=20
> to the ground.
> 
> "And yelled out this for Mistress Marsha Marsha Marsha=85.", groans Ned
a=
> s=20
> he discovers he still has 5 fingers on his right hand or was it his
left=20
> hand.
> "You didn't!", gasps Super Squire.
> 
> "Yes and then I just heard squawking and the world when dark.", moans=20
> Ned the Newby as he finds out he can wiggle his toes.
> 
> "Stay down till I come back Ned", suggests Super Squire.
> 
> Our hero takes a deep breath, says his prayers and approaches the=20
> Pelican meeting. He is stop at the door by the twins. Prot=E9g=E9 Paul
an=
> d=20
> Prot=E9g=E9 Paulia. Who bark, "None shall pass."
> Dropping to one knee and bowing his head Super Squire pleas, "
Prot=E9g=E9=
> =20
> Paulia please ask Mistress May of Hem to please come speak with me."
> "None shall pass " intone the twins.
> "I have misspoke. " Super Squire whimpers as he pounds his forehead on=20
> the ground three times. " Please ask Mistress May of Hem I have a boon=20
> to ask. Also I present you both with a tiny bottle of 151 each."
> 
> Prot=E9g=E9 Paulia disappears and returns with Mistress May of Hem.
Super=
> =20
> Squire informs Mistress May of Hem of the trick and pleas for the=20
> forgiveness of Ned the Newby. After considering it Mistress May of Hem=20
> dismisses Super Squire and returns to the meeting.
> 
> "Come up you go Ned", says Super Squire as lifts Ned the Newby to his=20
> feet, "I will help to you tent."
> Ned the Newby whimpers, "they hate me. I will never be able to show my=20
> face at a event again."
> Super Squire," No. They don't hate you. I talked with Mistress May of=20
> Hem and she will sooth the ruffled feathers. Besides I can give five=20
> reasons they don't"
> Ned the Newby, " Five reasons?"
> Super Squire," Yes. Five reasons. One, they did not throw you in the=20
> lake. Two, your dagger is NOT sticking in your back. Three, they only=20
> threw empty shot bottles not liters and fifths at you. Four. They ate=20
> some of the chicken. And five. They know you are new."
> Ned the Newby, " But I will never live this down. And =85"
> Super Squire, "Trust me. If you want to make friends with the Pelicans=20
> drink anything they put in front of you."
> Ned the Newby," But they may poison me. It will be a slow and painful=20
> death."
> Super Squire, " Just drink it and if it is poison it will not be slow.=20
> And never never use the name Mistress Marsha Marsha Marsha to a
Pelican.=20
> I would not mention that name if I had a company of marines behind and=20
> in front of me "
> 
> Later after night has fallen and Ned the Newby is for his safety tuck
in=20
> his tent we find our hero escorting the lovely Lady Golden Locks to
the=20
> dance revel. As they approach the hall a lord, in rags and covered in
a=20
> hood, ringing a bell is asking for alms.=20
> Super Squire yells," Get you gone. Unclean. Make way for your
betters.",=20
> as he kicks and slaps the beggar.
> Lady Golden Locks, " stop it stop it have you gone mad?!" and starts=20
> kicking Super Squire in the shins.
> 
> Both Super Squire and the beggar start laughing. The lovely Lady
Golden=20
> Locks gets madder until Super Squire introduces her to Louie the
Leper.=20
> Both Super Squire and Lady Golden Locks learn Louie the Leper is back=20
> after six years of being out of the SCA. Also the beatings was one the=20
> games Louie would play to add more atmosphere to the SCA. They also=20
> discover he is now divorce for his wife and he is still working for
the=20
> CDC in Atlanta. And a hug from the lovely lady Golden Locks and a=20
> beating from Super Squire they depart for the dance hall.
> 
> Lady Golden Locks," Strange man and what was that strange upside down=20
> two with red rain drops?"
> Super Squire," Oh his other persona is Larry the Leech and he is a=20
> Chirurgeon. In fact, the reason he a leper because mundanely he is a=20
> doctor and was working with some Bubonic Plague when he first joined"
> Still later after hours of dancing.
> Lady Golden Locks," Thank you for the dancing. And we never got around=20
> to that kiss,"
> And just as Lady Golden Locks ruby red lips are about to land on Super=20
> Squire's lips he feels a tapping on the left shoulder. It is Sir Gofer=20
> the Beer. Who says, "Go fer beer squire. I will take over here."
> 
> Tune in tomorrow to discover if Super Squire will find the beer? Will
he=20
> get his kiss? Or is Sir Gofer the Beer an agent for the EVIL Mistress=20
> Polly Pelican.
> 
> Chapter 3.
> 
> We find our hero Super Squire on the Hastings field this breezy Friday=20
> afternoon.  The first lay on is about to be call when off to his far=20
> right he sees Lord Andy the Archer and the honorable lady Alice the=20
> Archer with their company the Angry Archers Association of the Rotten=20
> Great Horde.=20
> Mike the Marshall finishes polishing his coke bottle glasses and
calls,=20
> "Lay on"
> Quickly Super Squire charges forward with his line. Suddenly his super=20
> hearing picks up " hey the one with the red S on his belt."
> The whole field hears the Angry Archers Association of the Rotten
Great=20
> Horde scream, "AAARGH!" Suddenly Super Squire vision is darkens by=20
> twenty arrows start dropping in on his position. He hears their
victory=20
> cry," AAARGH!" as he goes down after ten good hits. As he covers up,
the=20
> Angry Archers Association of the Rotten Great Horde overruns his line=20
> pausing only to do the Ansteorrain Alderman Argent dance on top of him.
> 
> Later as Super Squire is lining up for the second bout. He spies his=20
> archnemesis the evil, mean, icky nasty, foul, no of count, Squire=20
> Sinister. Lay on is called and the lines crash into each other.
Carrying=20
> a 13-foot spear, Squire Sinister yells, " Marshall look it is Elvis!"
> Mike Marshall, "Elvis where? Where?"
> The evil Squire Sinister spears Super Squire in the cup. As our hero=20
> collapses Squire Sinister pauses to do the Meridian Macranida on top
of=20
> our hero.
> 
> Still later as our hero lines up for the third bout.
> Lay on is called and our hero charges with Sir Smiley and Sir Gofer
the=20
> Beer at his side. After they destroy the Trimarian right flank, they=20
> charge on around to the back. When suddenly, Super Squire's sky goes=20
> dark. It is the Too Tall Two Ton Trimarian Tuchux from Tupelo. Super=20
> Squire has tiny amount of time to notice the two knights have fallen=20
> back. Then the Too Tall Two Ton Trimarian Tuchux from Tupelo slays
Super=20
> Squire pausing only long enough to do the Trimarian Two Step Twist on=20
> Super Squire's torso.
> 
> As our hero climbs out from under a pile of bodies he hears, "
Gatorade,=20
> Water, Gatorade, Water." He notices the lovely Lady Golden Locks=20
> carrying water and refreshments on the side of the field. Super Squire=20
> climbs slowly to his feet and moves toward her.
> 
> Lady Golden Locks beaming," Squire Jasper. Gatorade and the kiss I owe=20
> you?
> Super Squire," Yes and many thanks my lady.", as he flips his visor up.
> 
> Lady Golden Locks' ruby red lips are about to land on Super Squire's=20
> lips when he feels a tapping on his helm. It is Sir Swift Shot in his=20
> Scandinavia silver scale with silver sallet. " I take over from here=20
> squire. The marshals need the arrows police up and you have just=20
> volunteered."
> 
> Tune in tomorrow to find if Super Squire will get some water. Will he=20
> get his kiss? Or is Sir Swift Shot an agent of the EVIL Mistress Polly=20
> Pelican.
> =20
> 
> Chapter 4.
> 
> It is Saturday morning and we find our hero inside the fort. Super=20
> Squire is giggling because Lord Andy the Archer and the honorable lady=20
> Alice the Archer with their company the Angry Archers Association of
the=20
> Rotten Great Horde have shot over 200 arrows and only have killed 2=20
> fighters in the fort.  Also AAARGH has kill 10 people on their side,=20
> along with 4 marshals and a water bearer. They have also knocked a=20
> flying squirrel out of the air but the populace is debating whether
they=20
> were aiming for the squirrel or Super Squire.
> 
> Suddenly Count Iam AR' Hino stands up on the walkway and yells, "You=20
> stupid 'lish men I blow my nose at you. I=85 " Count Iam AR' Hino gets
no=
> =20
> farther as 20 arrows from AAARGH and 10 arrows from his side down to
the=20
> ground. With that final kill the archers retreat and the ramps
approach=20
> the fort. Super Squire, Sir Gofer the Beer and his squires line up to=20
> the left of the main gate. The ramps rocket down to walls of fort and=20
> the first wave jumps over the walls to be mauled by Sir Gofer the Beer=20
> and his squires and Super Squire.=20
> 
> As the second wave approach the top of the wall our hero spies his=20
> archnemesis the evil, mean, icky nasty, foul, no of count, Squire=20
> Sinister. They make eye contact and just as Squire Sinister is getting=20
> ready to jump into the fort. A dark dwarf in dirty dark brown armor=20
> knocks off the ramp. It is the dreaded Duke Darrell Du' Uh. Duke
Darrell=20
> Du' Uh leaps over Squire Sinister and legs Super Squire then turns and=20
> kills Sir Gofer the Beer and half of Gofer the Beer's squires before=20
> dying under a mass of polearms, spears and swords.=20
> 
> Squire Sinister stands up to charge when Super Squire thrusts him in
the=20
> belly button. Squire Sinister sneers while sliding left into Sir Swift=20
> Shot (in his Scandinavia silver scale with silver sallet) polearm shot=20
> which spins Squire Sinister like a top.
> 
> Still later during the Fort Battle.
> Super Squire has broken into the fort after defeating Squire
Sinister's=20
> line. The cowardly Squire Sinister runs away and ducks behind the Too=20
> Tall Two Ton Trimarian Tuchux from Tupelo. The Tuchux slays both
Squire=20
> Sinister and Super Squire with one blow. He falls back on Squire=20
> Sinister and does the Trimarian Two Step Twist on Squire Sinister's=20
> torso until he is killed. Squire Sinister world goes dark as the
Tuchux=20
> falls dead on top of him. And when dead off the field is called ten=20
> squires have to dig out Squire Sinister from the ground.
> 
> Later at the Known World Party. Super Squire feels a tapping on his
left=20
> shoulder. It is Sir Gofer the Beer. Who says, "Go fer beer".
> After returning with beer, our hero feels a tapping on his right=20
> shoulder. It is Sir Smiley who says, "Good fighting today.  More ice
is=20
> needed go get some from the main hall".=20
> After returning from the ice run, our hero is being to enjoy himself=20
> when he feels a tapping on his left shoulder. It is Squire Sinister.
Who=20
> says, "I will get you next time.".
> After getting rid of Squire Sinister, Super Squire feels a tapping on=20
> his right shoulder. It is the lovely Lady Golden Locks. Who says,"
here=20
> is that kiss I owe you."
> 
> Just as the lovely Lady Golden Locks' red lips are about to touch
Super=20
> Squire; they hear a collision of bodies behind him. They kiss.
> 
> THE END.
> 
> Tune next year for the further adventures of Super Squire. And beware=20
> for agents of the EVIL Mistress Polly Pelican.
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
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Herr Wilhelm von Meissen genannt Frawenlop
A Founding Dean of the Performing Artists Guild of Trimaris.  "The Bard of
Castlemere"
"Purpure, a Recorder and on a chief argent three musical notes Gules."  
mka Bill Jackman ICQ #22048459


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