minstrel: Conn, Viking apology

[Corrie Bergeron]

Conn:  "Bob A08808 Charron" <BCharron at ccmail.wpl.com>

He's also been spotted on ncb at minstrel.com, the Northshield College of Bards
list.

To the poem:

The theme boils down to, "I'm sorry, sister, that I talked your your husband
into going a-viking and got him killed."  Yow.  Those with more Norsky
knowledge than I can argue whether such a piece would ever have been
written; I think it's rather likely.  A LOONG time ago, a poetry laurel told
me, "If you can convince me that it's period, I'll buy it."  I'd buy this one.  

Specific line-comments ineserted with #BOC:  

>- --------------------------------------
>Dim damp dreary    day at home

#BOC: "Dim" is a very weak syllable to start, unless the reciter really
stresses the D, (in dead quiet with 100% audience attention) at about
1-second intervals.  Then the first halfline is VERY strong, if cliche'ed.
Nothing wrong with that - it's a "crick-crack - this is a sad poem"  But
when you do that, then the phrase "day at home" falls REALLY flat.  You need
a different second halfline.

>Solid rain beats    scent of sodden sheep  #BOC: I like that one!
>Cold dim fire     complaining too
>Quiet evening hush    Quiet as Kolgrim

OK, not being Norsky, who is Kolgrim?  Is this an obscure reference to a
saga?  The name is unfamiliar... maybe bring it up a bit earlier?

>
>Dearest Ragnhild    Daughter of our father
>He sighed your name    hungry for home
>Head held by Hrolf    Hand by me
>His heart, given to you    Held in yours
>
#BOC: nice.  H's really work in English/Norse alliteration.  

>Without my words    we would never
>Walk the moon's path    west to the shore.
>But the clean wind    billowed in my sail
>Ragnhild, I promised    to bring him home.
>
>Crying, you begged    Keep our ship home
>Warm golden smile    wealth enough for you
>Smells of wet sheep    Sour smoke, cold fires  #BOC: Nice contrast to
"scent of sodden sheep"
>Convinced us    to crave adventure
>
>We planned to take    wealth and gold
>>From the weak west    fighters unknown  #BOC: I'd build a little more, how
we planned to take them sleeping, how easy it would be.
>My plan was wrong   #BOC: OOF!  When does a Viking apologize!?!  That line
is a stopper.  Let it hang in the night air.  Make it the first line.  Make
it stonger...

 memory remains #BOC: say these words dead, monotone, gravelly...
>I'll never forget    black raven's call  
#BOC: WEEEKK!!  Need something much stronger to follow up those strong
middle lines, evocative, visual...

Letsee...

We planned to take    wealth and gold
>From the weak west    fighters unknown        
yadda yadda  (getting excited)
yadda yadda  (this'll be EASSSYYY!!!)

STOP.  Let the sparks fly up from the fire.  Let the silence grow, then
count three.  Trust me, this'll work REALLY WELL.  Now you have their
undivided attention.

 (bitter, cold)  Fools should be flayed   Who live on legends  (dead stop)
The living can lie    and they did to me
Seasoned survivors     None who sailed with me
Let me believe   England's coast would be free

Yes, it's dogtrot rhyme. But read it by firelight like you want to feel
their throat in your fingers, like you'll cheer your sister, hold them down
while she rakes out their eyes and worse, and no one will notice.  Not even
the poetry peers.  They'll be too busy shivering.

>
>Fierce and hot    fighters strong
>Struck us when we    snuck from our sea steed

#BOC:  AAGH! snuck?  SNUCK?!?!  PLEEZE use a real word!!

>They waited for us    the fight was short
>You waited for us    your Kolgrim, your love.
>

BOC: add a verse: Your husband fought bravely, but what do you care?  bitter
tears, empty bed, small comfort: gentle sheepherder shares mead-bench with
heroes, sword-wielders all, once living now dead.

>You are my sister    young, and lively
>Kolgrim, sworn brother    kept a small house
>I wanted him worthy    wanted him wealthy
>For you, Ragnhild,    your soft sweet hands
>
>He died, Ragnhild    he loved you still
>Hating me for hating    home smells of sheep  #BOC:  good recall.  Don't
know how period the technique is, but it works for a modern audience.
>I convinced myself    It was the best path
#BOC:  weak, weak.....!!!!  FIX IT!
>Until I, weeping my words    brought him home.
>
>Russ Gilman-Hunt
>May, 1998
>


*******************************************************************************
Corrie Bergeron	
President: Intra-Active Designs		
http://www.itasca.net/~corrie/iad.htm
corrie at itasca.net

Senior PLATO Courseware Designer: TRO Learning, Inc.	
http://www.tro.com
corrie at tro.com	

"Short-term memory makes no difference when you've lost your mind" - Ellis
*******************************************************************************


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