longalex at pirates.Armstrong.EDU
Tue Sep 23 19:23:27 PDT 1997
---------- Forwarded message ----------
by Rathfled DuNoir, the Black Bard of Meridies
See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat,
Grendel, eat. Grendel is eating a
few Danish for breakfast. Grendel
especially likes the ones with the
yellow coating on top. This is good
because there are so many of them.
See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad.
His warriors are leaving. They
are sad because Grendel has eaten
many of their friends. They do not
to play with Grendel anymore because
Grendel is mean.
Hrothgar is also sad because his food is
almost gone. Grendel eats the cows
and pigs and horsies, too. Grendel is
very hungry. Eat, Grendel, eat.
Hrothgar is also sad because his wife
will not stop complaining. Whine,
wife, whine. Hrothgar has tried to stop
listening to her for three days
now. Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar
is almost out of mead. Poor
See Beowulf. He is big and strong and
handsome. He has long viking braids
and pointy horns on his hat and a really
big sword. Ooh, Beowulf, ooh!
He is sailing to Denmark to visit
Hrothgar. Sail, Beowulf, sail. He does
not know that Hrothgar is almost out
of mead. Poor Beowulf.
Beowulf likes to sai Beowulf likes to
drink even more. Poor Beowulf.
When he gets to Denmark, there is
enough mead left for one feast.
Poor Beowulf. Poor Hrothgar. Poor
warriors. Poor Grendel. Beowulf is
very mad. Mad, mad, mad.
Beowulf vows to slay Grendel. Vow,
Beowulf, vow. He promises to do
many great feats. He swears to return
with Grendel's head. Drink, Beowulf,
Beowulf is lying very still. Is he waiting
to surprise Grendel? No, he
is not waiting to surprise Grendel. Is he
meditating? No, he is not
meditating. Is he practicing an Arcane
magical ritual involving a lawn
chair, six milk bottles, and a tuning
fork? No, he is unconscious. Won't
he be surprised when he wakes up and
they tell him about his promises?
Won't he be happy to know that he has
a quest? Won't he feel grand
when the warriors cheer him? No,
Beowulf will not feel grand for a while.
He has a headache. Poor Beowulf.
Please stop cheering warriors.
O see the castle. It is very quiet. Is it
quiet because everyone is
afraid of Grendel? No, it is not quiet
because everyone is afraid of
Grendel. Is it quiet because everyone is
afraid of Beowulf? Yes, it is
beause everyone is afraid of
Beowulf.Beowulf has had a very bad
headache for three days. Last night,
Beowulf's head hurt so bad that
he was very mad. Mad, mad, mad.
Grendel came over to play and made too
much noise. Beowulf was very upset.
Beowulf was so upset that he ripped
Grendel's arm off and hung it over the
door. Poor Grendel. Poor
warriors. Smile at Beowulf. Just do it
O see the feast hall. It is bright and
cheery. There is food on the
tables and mead in the horns and a
great big arm over the door. See
the feasters. They are singing and
laughing and drinking. Are they happy
that Grendel is dead? Yes, they
are happy that Grendel is dead.
Are they happy that they can laugh and
sing and play again? Yes, they
are happy that they can laugh and
sing and play again. But most of
all they are happy that there is more
mead. Drink, Beowulf, drink.
O see Hrothgar. He is happy. Happy,
Is he happy that Grendel is dead? is he
happy that there is more mead?
Yes, but he is mostly happy because his
wife has stopped complaining.
Smile, Hrothgar, smile.
O see Grendel's mother. She is sad.
Sad, sad, sad. Is she sad because
Grendel is gone? is she sad because her
other children never call? is
she sad because the Angels are losing
again? Yes, she is sad because of
all these things. Bust she is mostly sad
because she won't get any more
mother's day presents. This makes her
mad. Mad, mad, mad.
She gets so mad that she decides to
have some Danish for dessert. That is
silly. Everyone knows that you are
supposed to have Danish for breakfast.
Silly, silly, silly.
In fact it is so silly that we think that
Grendel's mother may have had
something besides food for dinner. We
think that Grendel's mother may
have been drinking. Just like Beowulf.
O see Beowulf. Now that there is mead
again he is drinking some more.
Drink, Beowulf, drink. When Grendel's
mother comes to the feast, Beowulf
already drunk quite a bit. So has
Grendel's mother. He thinks she is the
most beautiful woman in the world and
makes a pass at her. Pass, Beowulf,
pass. She is caught off guard and says
no. Tease, monster, tease. Beowulf
tries again. She leaves and he goes
home with her. Grendel's mother was
never heard from again. Beowulf was
very quiet about the whole situation.
Quet, quiet, quiet.
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