minstrel: Re: Need some critique
mbaker at rapp.com
Fri Jan 10 09:02:00 PST 1997
A curious blend of forms between the verses and the chorus for this work.
Appropriate, IMO, but naetheless "curious".
As usual, I have few criticisms of your work, Mikal. A suggestion or two,
perhaps, but few criticisms.
Comment: is this piece intended for the tune of "Circles" (a.k.a.
"Windmills")? If it was not, be aware that it appears to fit (particularly
the chorus). The first _verse_ as I read it is just *that* much off from the
"Circles" tune that I'm not certain if there was intent involved...and the
more I look at it, the more I hear a double-beat on the last word of most
lines that *does* make it fit!
> The hum of the harpstrings The hush of the trees
> The raging of fire The rythum of toil
> The sob of a child The song of the wind
> The pace of the plow As it turns up the soil
Deliberate mis-spelling to enforce a specific pronunciation of "rhythm"?
> These are the cycles we see in the meadow
> The flower that withers to rise up in spring
> Winter to summer and summer to winter
> We pray to the goddess we see them again
> The clamour of children The keening of widows
> The slumber of babies The smelting of ore
> The sowing of seed The snow on the mountains
> The mead from the honey The magic of lore
For the "Circles" tune, mountains receives a descending triplet?
> There in the distance High on the downs
> The circle of hedges That hallows her fane
> She who is watching the mother, the maker
> Bright as the sun and Brigit her name
Perhaps "down-lands" instead of "downs"? Or "upon" for "on"?
> There in the cities In the cathedrals
> They sing for the Christ The god who was slain
> But here in the meadow We mind her fire
> And wait for the time When she triumphs again
Qualify the location as "cold cathedrals", reinforcing the difference from
Likewise "White Christ"?
I would also offer "her sacred fire" to mesh with the tune, if the tune
questioned above was the intent.
> So. How is it?
Damn good work!
Kihe Blackeagle (the Dreamsinger Bard) s.k.a. Amr ibn Majid al-Bakri
currently residing in Barony of the Steppes, Kingdom of Ansteorra
Mike C. Baker mbaker at rapp.com
Any opinions expressed are obviously my own unless explicitly stated
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