minstrel: Re: Need some critique

[Baker, Mike]

A curious blend of forms between the verses and the chorus for this work. 
Appropriate, IMO, but naetheless "curious".

As usual, I have few criticisms of your work, Mikal. A suggestion or two, 
perhaps, but few criticisms.

Comment: is this piece intended for the tune of "Circles" (a.k.a. 
"Windmills")? If it was not, be aware that it appears to fit (particularly 
the chorus). The first _verse_ as I read it is just *that* much off from the 
"Circles" tune that I'm not certain if there was intent involved...and the 
more I look at it, the more I hear a double-beat on the last word of most 
lines that *does* make it fit!

>    Bridgit
> The hum of the harpstrings   The hush of the trees
> The raging of fire   The rythum of toil
> The sob of a child    The song of the wind
> The pace of the plow   As it turns up the soil

Deliberate mis-spelling to enforce a specific pronunciation of "rhythm"?

>    (Chorus)
> These are the cycles we see in the meadow
> The flower that withers to rise up in spring
> Winter to summer and summer to winter
> We pray to the goddess we see them again

> The clamour of children   The keening of widows
> The slumber of babies   The smelting of ore
> The sowing of seed    The snow on the mountains
> The mead from the honey    The magic of lore

For the "Circles" tune, mountains receives a descending triplet?

> (Chorus)
> There in the distance   High on the downs
> The circle of hedges   That hallows her fane
> She who is watching   the mother, the maker
> Bright as the sun    and Brigit her name

Perhaps "down-lands" instead of "downs"? Or "upon" for "on"?

> (chorus)
> There in the cities   In the cathedrals
> They sing for the Christ   The god who was slain
> But here in the meadow   We mind her fire
> And wait for the time    When she triumphs again

Qualify the location as "cold cathedrals", reinforcing the difference from 
fire-Brigit?
Likewise "White Christ"?

I would also offer "her sacred fire" to mesh with the tune, if the tune 
questioned above was the intent.

> (chours)
>    So.  How is it?

Damn good work!

Kihe Blackeagle (the Dreamsinger Bard)  s.k.a. Amr ibn Majid al-Bakri 
al-Amra
     currently residing in Barony of the Steppes, Kingdom of Ansteorra
Mike C. Baker                      mbaker at rapp.com
Any opinions expressed are obviously my own unless explicitly stated 
otherwise! 

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