ABCB poem

[Mike Baker]

Briana (kat heatherington) offered the following comments and ABCB poem:
> i know the subject of this isn't honor, and i beg your
> forgiveness for this lack of courtesy.

M'lady, it is my understanding that there was no limit to only the "honor" 
topic.  The *suggestion* was to identify the topic and (attempted) format 
such that divers people could trade works of similar type -- and understand 
in advance some relatively mutual criteria for comparison of works.

I would *guess* that your topic is "unrequitable love"?

> but i'd really love to hear what you all think of this
> (tell me how bad it really is!) :)

Lady, please!  No need to fish for compliment or criticism by way of 
pre-judgement.

Preliminary: this poem strikes me as being cast in what the heralds might 
call "non-period style". Not for any single reason, just a sum of the parts. 
The lack of capitalization and a portion of the imagery particulary combine 
to throw my sensibilities into a role-playing game mood (V:tM, Ravenloft, 
etc.).
     
>    mist rises up around my feet
>    the frozen ground obscured
>    in morning's obdurate fog,
>    a voice none other heard--

The immediate cognitive jump equates the voice and the fog.  I like the 
imagery you have chosen all the same: "obdurate fog" is an especially 
striking choice, oxymoronic yet eloquent.

>    a hand upon my shoulder
>    cold ice-smooth fingers knowing
>    somehow that i would be here
>    within the fog sweet-flowing

HOWEVER (word-stress, not shouting), you seem to abandon the hardness 
implied in the first stanza with "sweet-flowing".  I would suggest that 
continuing the image of immobility and solidity would have made a stronger 
piece overall.  "stone-flowing", "un-flowing", ???

>    i felt your hand in mine,
>    your voice beside my ear
>    for all the crowd i stood among
>    none other seemed to hear

>    nor yet to sense your presence
>    within the break of day --
>    i set my feet for homeward
>    you knew i would not stay.

If this poem were a riddle, could the answer be "Jack Frost"? <gryn>
The unseen companion / invisible lover might also imply a tale of the 
faery-folk, I guess, and the implication of long-term existence for the fog 
is another clue toward that line.

Briana Llywellyn, you have offered us a very nice little construct I'd think 
worthy of a wider audience.  Might I suggest that you submit this to one of 
the gaming-oriented magazines, if not some of the F&SF magazines that use 
poetry on occasion?

Kihe Blackeagle (the Dreamsinger Bard)  s.k.a. Amr ibn Majid al-Bakri 
al-Amra
     currently residing in Barony of the Steppes, Kingdom of Ansteorra
Mike C. Baker                      mbaker at rapp.com
Any opinions expressed are obviously my own unless explicitly stated 
otherwise!