Comments RE:Topic:Honor Form:ABAB (Quat

[Mike Baker]

> From: Robin Hilp
> Date: Thursday, June 06, 1996 2:06PM

Suggestion / Request (*not* requirement): if items posted for critique have 
titles, I would suggest that we include them.  If not, I personally suggest 
that a title for the piece be considered in order to make future reference 
simpler (if no obvious title offers itself, something on the form "Untitled 
6/6/96" may prove useful).

> Heart and mouth and thought and life
> Be of one philosophy
> Work together in the strife
> 'Tween need and generosity

> Heart and mouth and thought may give
> Life must keep to self-preserve
> How well should another live?
> Of comfort, what does self deserve?

In the first ABAB verse (stanza), -phy and -ty might be downchecked by some 
critics as false rhyme. I won't, inasmuch as I do the same myself on a 
fairly regular basis.

Strong construction point: repeating the collective grouping in the initial 
line(s) of each stanza.

Possible that this could be made more effective for modern eyes by adding a 
period after "self-preserve"; keeping in mind the aberrant history of the 
usage of punctuation, perhaps not such a good thing when trying to emulate 
pre-1600 styles..

Quibble: without knowing that there was an intent to address the topic of 
"honor", I might not have picked up on that aspect.  I found particularly 
misleading at first reading the way in which self-preservation was 
introduced, as it is often noted as one of the things that may be tossed 
aside when honor is invoked.  This may relate to my next thought:

Personally, I have to think that this poem is not yet complete.  Some might 
consider this an expression of good form; generally, my personal preference 
is to complete the thought by restatement (common in many poetic structures, 
particularly those favored by the troubador & trouvere, in the guise of the 
_envoi_).  Ending on a question seldom is as strong as using a final 
declarative or exclamation.

Mis-Quoting a post-period author: Could we see more, please?  Or a defense 
of the shorter form: I may have my own convictions, but my preferences are 
not cast in stone and I am usually willing to learn why something is indeed 
"good" that does not follow my existing expectations.

(later...) O.K., I've re-read and re-considered.  I still think that I would 
personally have extended this piece by either one stanza or re-worked the 
whole into a "sonnet" (ABABABABABABCC, perhaps?).

I like what you have done.  As with many poetic constructions, I suspect 
this offering may be better in performance than in written form.

Kihe Blackeagle (the Dreamsinger Bard)  s.k.a. Amr ibn Majid al-Bakri 
al-Amra
     currently residing in Barony of the Steppes, Kingdom of Ansteorra
Mike C. Baker                      mbaker at rapp.com
Any opinions expressed are obviously my own unless explicitly stated 
otherwise!